Film Review: Nine

WARNING: This review contains massive spoilers. Normally I'd take some care to avoid giving too much away but Nine is so utterly awful I'm not bothered. So if you are determined to put yourself through this particular cinematic experience then you'd best skip this review but don't say you weren't warned.

So why so bad? Well, firstly any decent musical needs decent songs. In Nine they are sorely lacking. Everything is mid-paced and plodding, clearly expensively arranged but lacking in memorable melodies or lyrics. I was convinced these weak efforts must have been composed especially for the film and was astounded to learn from the end credits that Nine is actually a successful broadway show.

Compare it to director Rob Marshall's previous musical hit, Chicago. I saw that years ago but I can still recall snatches of the words and tunes. I saw Nine this afternoon and the songs have just gone. I couldn't sing one line back to you if my life depended on it. Not that it can be easy to write lyrics for a show like this. Musicals generally use songs to establish character or drive the plot forward but Nine has no decent characters and a plot that is paper thin.

Star Daniel Day Lewis plays film director Guido Contini, the only significant(and only singing) male character and both his songs are solo so there's none of the romantic or sexual chemistry you might expect from a musical starring so many attractive actresses. Each of the women in Guido's life use their songs to bemoan their lot or else to play out his sexual fantasies. Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz and the rest do their best with what they're given and look stunning but none of the female characters have any depth and they rarely interact with anyone apart from Guido.

Judi Dench manages to steal several scenes as head of the costume department but Day Lewis' character is really the only one with any substance. He's struggling to find inspiration for a new big budget film and flits from one sexy muse to the next with filming just days away. He dallies with a mistress, tries to keep his wife sweet and talks to the Pope. Some flashbacks to Catholic school fill in a perfunctory backstory. It's hard to sympathise however, as he stumbles from woman to woman and frets about his inability to get a script together. It's also hard to figure out why this selfish, childish man is so irresistable to so many attractive women. Sure, he's looking good for a guy pushing 50 and he's clearly charming at auditions but we are forced to accept that a great deal of his appeal lies in his genius for writing and directing, none of which we get to see.

At the end of the film we see Guido about to film a pivotal 'reconciliation' scene for a new movie which, it is implied, may help him win back the wife whose patience finally ran out. Perhaps at last we might be let in on his way with words? But no, the moment he says action the screen all too predictably fades to black and the credits roll. This film left me feeling both, "Really, is that it?" and, "Thank God that's over!" at the same time. The message seems to be, lifes tough for attractive, successful movie directors. We should all know such hardship.